So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
