I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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