her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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