new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
