dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
