got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
