Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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