Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
