dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
ugly people sure do ruin things
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
