I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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