Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
