If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
