Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
