can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
