Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
