I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
