Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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