I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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