Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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