Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
