And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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