well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
