Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
