if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
