got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
