You smell like stripper and shame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
