On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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