Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
