I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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