apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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