on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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