Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
