Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Pants are for mortals
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
