I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
