She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Too much gin, very little bucket
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
