smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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