if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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