i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
