I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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