I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
