Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize