America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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