she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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