Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
