There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
