Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
