I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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