I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
