Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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