On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
