Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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