my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
