Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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