Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
