no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
