just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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