I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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