I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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