how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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