either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
